What does family mean to you? According to Webster’s Dictionary the definition of family is a group of persons of common ancestry. Well yeah that pretty much sums it up but it lacks the very thing that makes a family a family. Love. To me my family is everything. They are my blood, my friends, people that I love and people that I would do anything for. Right now my family is in a lot of pain. Every one is hiding it. We are all very good at hiding our emotions. Must be passed down through our genes LOL.
The reason I am writing this post is because my Grandpa’s health is failing, rapidly. About 10 months ago he was diagnosed with renal cancer. He has had it before and had a kidney removed and has been in remission for longer then I can remember. This time is has metastasized to many of his organs and he also has a tumor attached to his shoulder blade area. I don’t know the medical term for it. Over the passed few months the tumor has become more and more noticeable. The Dr’s says it’s growing a centimeter a week. A few days ago my mom was informed that there is now another tumor growing just as rapidly. The prognosis is not good. They are giving him a few more weeks if that.
Now here’s the part where I break down, except that I can’t. It breaks my heart to know that soon my Grandpa will not be here but I am more terrified then anything. My family has been blessed that we have not lost anyone pretty much since I was born. I have only been to two funerals growing up. But I’m not sure how to react. Before my Grandparents moved out here when we were just finding things out I cried, and cried, and cried some more. I was devastated. But it is 10 months later and he is still here. I know this is childish of me but some part of me just keeps thinking it’s not real, he will continue to be here for a very long time. Even though I know it’s not real I still believe it. I do not know how to handle death. It terrifies me to the point I have cried myself to sleep out of fear of dying. Literally given into exhaustion and I do not remember going to sleep, only crying.
I know time is nearing and I have been avoiding going to see him. It tears me up inside knowing the truth and yet I still can’t bear to see him sick. All I want to do is cry when I see him but I can’t do that to him. I need to stay strong because he is so depressed with the realization that his life is coming to an end. I also have a hard time with my youngest going over there because not only does he have a very short attention span and his fits are very hard on my Grandparents but he doesn’t like them. Let me rephrase that, he doesn’t know them so he isn’t friendly with them and it breaks my heart. I wish for him to be able to play with them and when he is my age to remember the fun times he had with them. When I got married I told myself the one thing I wanted was for my Grandparents to be able to experience being Great Grandparents. They were blessed with that six years ago and I don’t want it to end.
I know I am rambling now but it’s what I do when I have something that means a lot to me. I guess why I wrote this was to let the truth out, not for anyone else but for me. I like to live in denial and this is one case that I cannot continue to do so. I know I will regret for the rest of my life not spending as much time with my Grandpa as I can. So it is time to put on my big girl panties and to do the right thing. I’ve already talked to my mom and were planning on going over there tomorrow and this time I will actually do it.
If you are a praying person would you mind keeping my Grandpa in your prayers. If you are not then could you please keep him in your thoughts. Thank you very much!