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Out of the loop

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I know I haven’t been posting regularly and I am pretty much out of the loop with almost all of my friends. I feel bad about this and sad that I have missed a lot. I’m trying not to beat myself up about it but I am the type of person that is constantly beating herself up over, well everything. I take everything personally (my husband would be so proud I admitted that LOL). I haven’t posted on my blog the why for my sudden absence and I think I’m okay to do that now.
On August 10th I got a text from my mom asking for me to call my sisters and arrange for all of us to come over to my Grandparents because my Grandpa wanted to say goodbye to us. If you don’t know my Grandpa has been fighting renal cancer. By the time they diagnosed him the cancer had already metastasized to a lot of his organs and pretty much all over his body. My mom finally got them to move closer to family so we could spend more time with them and be there to help take care of him. Fast forward to August 10th. We all knew this day was coming but no matter how much you prepare yourself for it, it’s harder then you can imagine. I spent almost all day over there along with my Aunts and Uncles and my Mom and sisters. I got to give my Grandpa a hug and tell him that I love him. The following day we all went back over there. By that time my Grandpa was sleeping all the time. He never fully woke up. He would open his eyes and we think try to smile. When my husband and I walked in my mom told him we were there and he smiled and opened his eyes. We spent the rest of the night there until he passed away at 9:42 pm. It was one of the hardest things I have ever experienced but knowing that he was surrounded by family so full of love for him helps me.
I love my Grandpa so much and that love will never fade. I will miss him as time goes on but I will never forget him. He was the first real man in my life and I know he loved me just like I loved him. I have my bad days when everything I see reminds me of him and I cry but I know it will get easier. Jr and Samantha tell me all the time that Zadie is in heaven and smiling down on us. Well Samantha says he’s laughing at us but it still brings a smile to my face.
Papa, I love you more then I think you will ever know. You were always a strong point in my life and even though you will be missed I know you are in a better place and you have no more pain.

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