Most days I manage to get by with a smile and pretend as if nothing is wrong. But lately it’s getting harder and harder to pretend. I have this feeling inside of me that never goes away. That feeling….failure. For three years I have managed to some how get by in raising my children on my own. A preteen, an almost preteen and a trouble maker. They’re amazing children but I wont try to lie and say it’s easy.
I made a decision a few weeks ago regarding my relationship and I struggle with it. It was the right thing to do but my heart hurts. I lead with my heart and not my brain and this decision was made with my brain. I tried to do the right thing but that doesn’t make it any easier. I have love and support from friends but I am still left alone and confused.
My oldest is going through changes he refuses to talk to me about. I’m his mom so I get it but he has no one to talk to. He holds his feelings inside and I can see the struggle sometimes. He wont admit it he will just lash out. I recognize it because I do the same.
My daughter, bless her heart (I’m turning into an Okie) she deals with anxiety and depression and it pains her. What pains her pains me. I have tried everything to help her but I am a source of her problems. I know this. I am also a trigger for her.
My youngest has a heart like no one. It’s soft, and sweet and kind but he’s trouble in a hand basket at the same time. He wants to be included and he wants to do what he wants. His individuality is amazing but he acts out most of the time. Discipline doesn’t work because he has very little care for anything. He doesn’t hold one thing above anything else.
I love my children with all my heart and soul but I feel like I fail them on a daily basis. I work full time to provide for them but they hold it against me. I come home and most days I am to tired to cook dinner. So we do quick meals and they’re not what a family dinner should be. I work on my computer when I get home and on weekends to bring in some additional income. It’s not much but any little bit helps as they say. Weekends should be spent doing things as a family but they’ve turned into my cleaning days. When I clean I get angry. I am angry because I am the only one that cleans. In my marriage I was the soft one, my ex was the disciplinarian. This now has come back to me being the disciplinarian and well, it’s not my forte. The kids don’t respect me and don’t listen. So I clean the whole house, by myself.
This has been our life for three years. I don’t like it. They don’t like it. But I have no resolve. As long as I have no respect from my children it will continue like this. Each day I break emotionally and physically. This post is not meant for pitty, like my son I hold my feelings in, but I know I have to speak out. I risk attacks letting me know I have failed, or they may be words of encouragement. Either way no more holding it in. This is me…broken.